Mom Anxiety: Controlling the Controllable When Life Feels Out of Control
I’m the mom with a plane crash plan. I know I’m grabbing my kid first, where the emergency exits are, and what I'd say to keep everyone calm. I've run through it more times than I'd like to admit.
What I don't have is the doctor's appointment I've been meaning to schedule for three weeks. It's still sitting on my list. I've rewritten that note twice.
If you're a mom with anxiety, you probably know this combo. Your brain has a detailed plan for the worst thing that could ever happen, and at the same time it's telling you you're failing at motherhood, failing at work, and somehow failing at the simple stuff too.
You're not failing. (Don’t even get me started on that word.) Your brain is working really hard to keep everyone safe and life organized. Maybe it even “thrives” in the chaos of how much you’re juggling. Now, let's talk about why this happens and how we can meet you where you are.
Why Mom Anxiety Plans for Disaster
Anxiety's job is to protect you. When life feels out of control, your brain goes looking for something it can control. Honestly, it’s a terrible trick.
You can't control whether a flight hits turbulence, whether your kid gets sick the same week as your big deadline, or whether life throws another curveball right when you finally found your footing. So, your mind grabs onto the one thing it can do: Plan. Rehearse. Run the what ifs until it feels ready for anything.
It's controlling the controllable in a world where there is so much that’s actually uncontrollable. The problem is the planning is never finished. It shows up at 2am, during coffee with a friend, or in a short-tempered moment with your kids. And it uses up energy you need for real life.
That's why the doctor's appointment doesn't get made or you feel so annoyed by all the ‘why’ questions coming from your toddler. Your mental energy is spent on ‘what if’ scenarios or the insane expectations you’ve set for yourself, and there's not much left for the ordinary things that need you. Then the failing voice shows up: "You can plan an emergency evacuation, but you can't make one phone call?" And just like that, the whole cycle starts again. You plan harder, rest less, and the voice gets louder.
For military families, this can get even more overwhelming. When a deployment, a move, or a spouse's unpredictable schedule leaves you solo parenting with little notice, your brain works overtime trying to be ready for everything, juggle everything. Being the anchor while everything around you changes is exhausting, and anxiety often shows up as trying to predict and prevent it all.
And the "I'm failing" part? That’s all those darn expectations. The mom who does it all. The employee who never drops the ball. The wife who keeps everything running. When the bar is impossible, every normal human moment starts to feel like proof you're not enough.
So what’s next you ask?
Self-Validation to Ease the Shame
Let’s start in the here and now. Self-validation is a DBT skill that means acknowledging your thoughts and feelings make sense given what you're dealing with, instead of judging yourself for having them. It doesn't mean agreeing that you're failing. It means observing why you feel this way.
Here's what it can sound like in real life.
Instead of "What is wrong with me? Why can't I make one simple appointment?" try "Of course that slipped. I've been carrying a lot, and my brain has been on high alert."
Instead of "I'm so grumpy and my kids must think I’m so mean," try "My brain is juggling a lot and that can sometimes mean feeling short tempered."
Validation won't make the anxiety disappear. What it does is turn down the shame, and that frees up energy for what comes next.
Build Mastery by Practicing Rest
In DBT, Build Mastery means doing small things that help you feel capable. On hard days, mastery isn't crushing your to do list. For a lot of moms, the hardest and most skillful thing you can do is rest.
Yup! Rest is a skill. If guilt kicks in the second you sit down, or your brain starts listing everything you should be doing instead, then resting is genuinely hard for you. That means every time you practice it, you're building mastery.
Here's what practicing rest can look like:
Sitting on the couch for ten minutes with no phone and no laundry to fold.
Going to bed when you're tired instead of catching up on work emails.
Saying "mom needs a minute" and taking it. Your kids get to see you take care of yourself, and that teaches them how to do it too.
Letting dinner be cereal tonight so you can rest instead of cook.
Making that doctor's appointment. Taking care of your body counts as rest too.
Start small. Pick one this week and practice it each day. Notice the guilt when it shows up, validate it, and rest anyway. Each time, you're teaching your nervous system that it's safe to slow down.
Reset the Bar, Raise the Compassion
You don't have to stop your brain from making plans. You can notice it, thank it for trying to protect the people you love, and then give yourself what you need. More kindness and rest.
You can navigate the hard, be kind to yourself, and feel your feelings all at the same time.
If you also struggle with the anxiety and guilt of being the household anchor, I’m here to help. Based out of McKinney, TX, I work with moms and military spouses across Texas, Colorado, and Washington who experience the constant pressure of life and expectations. Book a consultation and let's figure out what support looks like for you.
